


Take me back to the start

by anhnguyen



Series: Liverpool: Coldplay-inspired [2]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Coldplay, M/M, Second fic still don't know how to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-21 09:21:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3686898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anhnguyen/pseuds/anhnguyen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been years since Fernando left Liverpool for Chelsea. Now when he has settled down where he belongs, in his childhood team Atletico Madrid, he comes back to Anfield for a visit.<br/>During the 3-day trip, he looks back on things that have happened, discovers things that he never knew, and tries to get back things that he has lost.</p>
<p>Sequel to "Fix You"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Anfield

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!  
> Since this fic is a sequel to my other work 'Fix You', I'd recommend you to read through that as well, or at least the very last chapter, as I think I'll make some references to its content. The link is at the end.  
> Thank you and enjoy!!! \\(^-^)/

-          Come on guys!! Press on!!

-          Move faster son!! I mean… Moreno!!

-          Balotelli for God’s sake you’ve spent 15 minutes on that training shirt! Put your head into that large hole! There, on your left shoulder!!

Fernando cannot help but chuckle at the sight. Steven is standing on the sideline, motivating (scolding) the team like he has always been doing. The only difference is that Steven is now yelling at a different group of people. The team has changed more or less since Fernando’s departure.

Even Daniel is no longer around.

 -          Nando!! – The Spaniard looks up to see Steven running towards him with a wide grin on his face – Hi mate! How long have you been here?

-          Just about fifteen minutes. How is it going?

-          Not bad! The lads are very on about the match this Sunday. Man City, you know… You look well! How’s Madrid?

-          Awesome and heartwarming, as always – He smiles genuinely – It was nice to be back home again, after all those years…

-          Of course, of course, being home is always the best feeling, isn’t it?

Both of them fell into silence after Steven’s statement, because they both know the same thing has popped up in their mind. Fernando has not talked to Steven for quite a while, until last week when the Scouser suddenly called and invited him to come back to Anfield, for a short visit of course. The phone call was very brief, and he did not have the chance to ask Steven about the _decision._

-          Stevie, if it’s best to be home… - He can see his friend tense up almost immediately - … then why are you leaving?

-          Because of… erm… reasons, you know. Some changes would be nice… and I… I just feel… I’m not… exactly needed here anymore…

-          It’s not like that Stevie, of course the team need you!

-          No, they don’t! They do perfectly fine without me! I’m not even starting that often anymore, you see…

Fernando stops trying to oppose his friend. He purses his lips:

 -          It was still an unexpected decision, though… Everyone was really shocked! Even Xabi…

-          I know! I know he’s shocked. He called me right after he knew…

-          Stevie, your decision… was it affected by Xabi’s move to Munich, at all?

-          Well… - Steven looks down at his shoes and lets out a sigh – A bit, I guess. It’s just… all these years I’ve always hoped he would come back someday, and now, I realize that he never will! Not that I didn’t know better, but I just kept on hoping anyway…

With sadness still filling his eyes, Stevie gives out a small laugh, mostly at himself. He then punches Fernando’s arm playfully:

-          You know me too well!!

-          Of course I do! – Fernando smiles at his friend – Stevie, we all do…

Steven knows when Fernando says ‘we’, he’s referring to the team. Their old team. Pepe, Alvaro, Jamie, Xabi, Daniel, even Fernando himself…

All have left, and Steven will, too, very soon.

The conversation suddenly turns awkward and depressing. They both find it too hard to talk without ending up in suppressed sadness about things and memories that are not or will not be there anymore. After a while, Steven excuses himself:

-          I need to push the lads a bit more. You don’t mind?

-          Not at all! I’ll go look around then…

 

 

 

Fernando walks slowly around the place, to all the corners that his memory can figure out the way. Each step he takes, his heart is flushed with warm yet intense feeling of nostalgia.

Here’s the bleachers, where the team used to have their group photos together after every home game

_(and where he confessed to Daniel, for the first time, that he might just be in love with the Danish)_

Here’s the common room where the team used to have all forms of gatherings. Fernando especially loves that one super fun Christmas party, years ago

_(in which Daniel first flirted with him, calling him ‘96.69% a good bang’)_

Here’s the small multi-purpose field where the team used to play all types of sport, including those very weird ones that Pepe and Alvaro came up with, whenever football became just a bit too stressful

_(and where Daniel used to lie by his side, mumbling on and on about how one day he would save enough money to buy a whole bunch of stars and name them after Fernando)_

 Here’s the lot where Daniel used to park his mini truck.

Here’s the bench where they used to sit during lunch, with Fernando forcing Daniel to try all types of ‘exotic’ sandwiches he made.

Here’s the tree on which they used to carve their names with Daniel’s pocket knife, during one night when they were both too drunk and hyper.

Here’s Anfield: the place where Fernando had his first true love, where he went through all types of feelings and affection, where he left behind all his passion, desire, regret and love, where he spent the whole length of his youth with this one man…

… who has moved on and away from him.

Fernando stops on his track, tightens his grip on the staircase handle and takes in slow, deep breaths. All these emotions make him breathless. He looks up to the sky, hoping that the tears at the corner of his eyes would flow back inwards.

Thoughts about Daniel always hurt him beyond measure.

 

 

 

After some time, the Spaniard finds his way back to the locker room. The atmosphere here is always so endearing and inspirational. It helps calm him down. He takes a look around the room, then starts walking slowly past the rows of lockers, his fingers running across their cold metallic surface. Not many changes, onlythat some name tags are replaced or taken down.

He stops as his fingers touch Daniel’s locker handle. The defender’s name tag is still there.

But Daniel is not.

Fernando’s brows furrow with a hint of pain. Why did Daniel have to go, and go so far?

Taking a deep breath, the Spaniard opens the locker, hoping that the scent of the defender, even just a tiny bit of it, still lingers.

 Fernando’s eyes widen.

Apparently, he finds much more than what he wishes for.


	2. The Notebook

In the far left corner of the locker lies quietly a small, black-covered notebook. Fernando has seen this thing thousand times before, every morning before training when Daniel took it out, scribbled something inside and smiled before putting it away. The Spaniard was of course curious, and once tried to find out what the notebook was all about. However, he faced strong objection from Daniel.

  

-          _It’s in Danish anyway! – The defender said while pushing the notebook deeper into the locker and locked the door._

-          _So can you tell me what you write?_

-          _… No!_

-          _… Can I see it?_

-          _… No!_

-          _Why?! It’s in Danish anyway what?! I won’t understand whatever you write!_

-          _Then why would you want to see it?!_

_Fernando remembers biting his lips in frustration, and only then would Daniel realize how dismissive he was and feel guilty. He leaned down to peck on Fernando’s lips and hugs him tightly:_

-          _It’s nothing really…_

_Fernando would then nod his head and give in, hugging Daniel back, although in his head he was already planning to learn some Danish, hoping that would make Daniel change his mind._

 

 However, now, looking back on it, it is very likely that Fernando can totally understand things in that notebook without knowing Danish at all. So he picks up the notebook and slowly opens it, his fingers slightly shaking.

On the very first page, words are written neatly in black ink:

**_“Stuff for Fern”_ **

Right below is a textbox outlined with the drawings of a leaf-like things, which are carefully annotated as ‘fern’. Inside the box, a poem is written.

The poem Fernando knows he will remember until he forgets his own name.

_Roses are red_

_Violets are blue_

_Everything is shit_

_Everything but you_

_Fernando repeated the poem again and again in his head, not realizing that a wide grin had spread across his face. Luckily, his boyfriend was too absorbed by the TV show to notice._

_‘His boyfriend’. Wow… Just this morning he was still depressed about being rejected by Daniel, and now, so suddenly, Daniel had somehow become his boyfriend…_

_Fernando turned around and hid his face in Daniel’s shoulder, his arm tightened the hug around Daniel’s torso. He felt Daniel kissing his hair:_

-          _Fern, what is it?_

_The Spaniard shook his head, hiding his face deeper in the crook of Daniel’s neck. Daniel slightly shifted away, making Fernando look up at him. The Spaniard’s face was all red and his eyes, to Daniel’s surprise, seemed to be more watery than usual._

-          _Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay? – He lifted Fernando’s chin slightly._

_Nothing’s wrong… It’s just… it’s just… - Fernando could feel warm blood flushing his cheeks. - I can’t believe we’re actually together!_

_Daniel was speechless for a few seconds before he burst out laughing:_

-          _What the hell Fern??! Why you act like teenagers like that?!_

_Fernando furrowed his brows and angrily turned away. What the fuck?! Is this what he’s supposed to get for being honest? Daniel, only then realized he was kinda mean, started to freak out:_

-          _Hey Fern, I didn’t mean to laugh at you!_

-          _…_

-          _Hey, are you mad? I was just kidding! I…_

-          _I have never got together with anyone before._

_It was Daniel’s turn to stay silent. He knew he should._

-          _So this whole thing is very major to me, okay? I’m actually freaking out here!_

_Daniel turned Fernando to face him. The tear had escaped his eyes and was rolling down his cheeks. The defender wiped it away and spoke softly:_

-          _Hey, I’m sorry, I really am… And there’s nothing to freak out about!_

-          _What if I’m not made for these relationship things?_

-          _Don’t be stupid, Fern!  No one is made for relationships – we’re supposed create a relationship that suits us best!_

-          _But what if I screw up, Dan? What if… we break up? I think I’ll die from it…_

-          _No you won’t, because I won’t let it happen. I’ll never break up with you, unless you give me no other choices… - Daniel pulled the Spaniard into a firm hold – You’ll be fine, okay? We’ll be fine…_

_Fernando nodded, and they stayed like that in silence for so long. Eventually, the Spaniard broke it:_

-          _But I’m still mad at you asshole!_

-          _What??! But…_

-          _No but! You were horrible! I demand more than apology._

-          _Okay… what do you want me to do then?_

-          _Hmm… - Fernando’s eyes brightened. He looked up at Daniel with an irresistible smile on his face – Write me poems. Everyday._

-          _What?! Darling you know my poetic ability is a one time thing…_

-          _I don’t mind if it sucks!_

-          _But everyday is… Ok, how about I find a poem for you everyday, and whenever I can I’ll write?_

-          _Hmm… ok… but you must try to write!_

-          _I will, I will… - Daniel placed a kiss on Fernando’s forehead – Of course I will._

_Ever since then, Fernando would find a poem written on a small piece of paper, stuck on the inside of his locker everyday after training. Everyday, without a single skip. Even when Daniel was sick, somehow the poems would still be found in Fernando’s locker._

 

Fernando flips through the pages of the notebook: All the poems Daniel had ever found were recorded down in here, including those that were not chosen to be given to Fernando in the end.

_Mario is Red_

_Sonic is Blue_

_Will you be_

_My player #2?_

_Fernando received this one on a Sunday morning. The night before they had played FIFA together until their eyes bleed, because somehow Steven, who Daniel believed to suck at everything but especially FIFA, managed to beat the defender. Not accepting the result, Daniel practiced intensively with Fernando, waiting for the day to trash Stevie and take revenge._

_Roses are red_

_Meth is blue_

_Drugs are addictive_

_And so are you_

_This one was passed to him during a talk given to them by some university professor on the irreversible health and social consequences of drugs, which was delivered to them every year before the season started. The talk that day was especially boring as this prof didn’t show them any entertaining videos. Fernando giggled like a teenage girl as he read the poem, gaining them a deadly glare from their coach and a love-notes-during-drug-lecture-seriously? look from their teammates._

_Roses are red_

_Zombies are green_

_When the dead start to rise_

_I want you on my team_

_They spent the whole night doing a zombie-movie marathon because Daniel was always into those kinds of stuff and Fernando didn’t mind. This poem was Fernando’s favourite because as they were watching, he himself thought about how they would make a great team during zombie apocalypse. Hell yeah, they would be an incredible team indeed…_

Here and there are also Daniel’s notes: his comments on the poems, sources to find more or even brief thoughts and feelings during the day, such as:

 

_“The sandwich Fern made me today was actually not too bad, but I won’t tell him. Flattered Fern is deadly dangerous…”_

_“Fern came down with a fever. Life sucks”_

_“Came down with fever today (probably from kissing Fern). Should I still roll down to the locker room to put the note??? But bed feels so good!! Dilemma of life…”_

_“Just found a webpage that sells stars at damn low prices. Will contact them to buy some tomorrow probably. But I won’t tell Fern until I have bought all!”_

_“Fern has just changed his hair colour. I always thought his blonde hair made him attractive. I was wrong. He’s still hot now. Smoking hot.”_

 

Fernando chuckles, but his heart twists painfully in his chest. Reading through all of these, memories about what they used to have flush back so violently and overwhelmingly that Fernando actually feels like drowning. Daniel used to love him so much. _Used to_.

He wonders why happy days always belong to the past.

 As Fernando continues, he reaches a page that is folded and stapled. “What can this be?” – he wonders – “Should I open it? But Dan surely won’t want me to read it…” However, he realizes that Dan didn’t want him to even open this notebook and he’s been reading half way through it already, so he plucks the page out.

 

_“He’s gone._

_I wonder if he thought about me at all when he decided to leave. I wonder if he knew how this is killing me. Probably not, because I myself didn’t even expect to feel this devastated about it._

_You were, are and will forever be in my heart._

_Please don’t forget me.”_

 

Fernando’s brows furrow. At first he thought this is about his leaving for Chelsea, but the date indicated is 2009, while he left in 2011. Who did Daniel write about then?

Fernando’s eyes widen almost immediately. How can he not know? The answer is too obvious.

Xabi Alonso left Liverpool for Real Madrid in August, 2009.

Fernando rereads the passage again, and realizes his hands are shaking. All the affection and love contained in that passage… A totally horrible feeling is eating him out, but he’s not sure what it is. Sadness? Anger? Jealousy? Or all of them?

Fernando remembers this feeling. It is exactly the same as that he had years ago, when he found out that Daniel kept a photo of Xabi in his wallet, under all the train tickets and receipts.

 

 -          _I put it there when we were still together. – Daniel said, not looking at his upset boyfriend._

-          _Then why is it still here? – Fernando asked, expecting something like ‘I forgot about it’, because then he would surely let this go._

-          _Because… because I just don’t feel like taking it out._

_Fernando’s heart sank. He furrowed his brows, clearly hurt:_

-          _You still love him?_

-          _Fern, he’s my dead spot. What do you expect?_

-          _Do you love me?_

-          _This is totally not relevant to us…_

-          _Answer me!_

-          _… Yes. A lot._

-          _Then if I tell you to take it out, would you?_

-          _Fern, don’t do this!_

-          _Would you?!_

_Daniel took a deep breath, and looked Fernando straight in the eyes:_

-          _No, I would not._

_Fernando wasn’t sure how he looked like, but it must have been really terrible._

-          _Fern, this is a part of me that I can’t and don’t want to give up!_

-          _But you have me!_

-          _I told you already, this has nothing to do with us!!_

-          _Why the hell is it not?! Dan, you can’t love two people at one time, no one’s heart is big enough for that!_

-          _What about Sergio then?!_

-          _I have stopped thinking about him ever since we got together!_

-          _Well you two were Skyping the other day, don’t tell me you didn’t think about him at all during that!_

-          _But I don’t keep his photo in my wallet!_

-          _You don’t keep mine either! – Daniel raised his voice – Both of us are no saints, Fernando. If I don’t make any comment on your weekly Skyping session with Sergio Ramos, I have every right to keep this photo wherever I want!_

_Fernando’s eyes widely opened in shock and anger. It was so painful, as if someone took his heart out of his chest and stamped on it. As soon as he felt a hot teardrop rolling down his cheek, he turned and ran away, before Daniel had enough time to react._

_Fernando spent that whole day wandering aimlessly on the street. There was training in the afternoon, but he didn’t show up. He didn’t want to share the same space with Daniel, especially when Xabi would be there, too._ _A_ _fter all what they had been through, Fernando felt like he still lost out to Xabi whenever it came to their positions in Daniel’s heart, and the thought was simply heartbreaking._

_In the evening, as he was walking about the central park, it started to rain very heavily. For one moment, Fernando thought about going back for but finally decided against it. He sat down on a wooden bench, letting the water pour down onto his body and his broken soul. Everyone had left for shelters, and the park was completely deserted._

_Fernando didn’t know how long he had sat there when he heard someone’s footstep rushing towards him. He looked up, his mouth slightly opened out of shock._

_Daniel was standing in front of him, gasping and absolutely soaked._

-          _Fern… - He spoke up – Sorry for finding you so late. I… I need to… write this for you…_

_Daniel raised the palm of his hand, showing Fernando the words written on it._

_Roses are not just red_

_And violets are not even blue_

_Well, no one seems to give a shit about logic_

_So fuck the fight, I just want to be with you._

-          _I… I also took the photo out of my wallet already… - Daniel said, looking down worriedly at Fernando, who still had not said anything so far – Fern, I… I love you so so much, and I don’t want to lose you. Please say something!_

_Fernando still refused to speak a word. Instead he grabbed Daniel’s face with both hands and crashed their lips together. Daniel was frozen for a few seconds, but immediately responded. He put his arms around Fernando’s small waist, pulling their bodies closely together; his hands went inside Fernando’s wet shirt, caressing the Spaniard’s bare skin. After what felt like forever, they parted, leaning their foreheads against each other’s. Fernando whispered:_

-          _You wrote that for me?_

-          _Yeah, I know it’s kinda messed up but…_

-          _No! – The Spaniard pecked on Daniel’s lips – It’s perfect! I really like it…_

_Daniel grinned so widely that he felt like an idiot. He took Fernando’s hand:_

-          _Come on, let’s go home._

_In all the years that they were together, they only fought twice. That was their first time. The second came two years later._

_They broke up after it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Reddit for some of the poems :)

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the link to 'Fix You'  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/2569640/chapters/5716181


End file.
